Who Is Your "Bad" Child?

If you have children, which child is your "bad" child?

You know, the one who may not do well in school.

Or the one who you fear is developing his or her own addiction/alcohol issues.

Maybe the one who is constantly challenging you, pushing back against you, defying you.

Or do you have one child who stays in their room all the time, sequesters him or herself away from the family while another or other children seem to be "fine?"

If your children are still young, you may not yet know who your "bad child" will be (or maybe you do) but come teenage years, they will emerge.

They will fight you, argue with you, defy you, push back against the slightest perceived infraction against them.

I have a "bad" child.

I have yet to meet the alcoholic family who does not have at least one "bad" child.

My friend grew up with an alcoholic father.

She got a college degree, has been married for over 40 years, raised four healthy children and is enjoying retirement with her husband.

Her brother died of alcoholism at age 50.

This is a pattern that is repeated over and over and over again in alcoholic households.

One or more children who seem to be "good."

They do well in school and/or jobs.

They have friends you like.

They are pleasant and enjoyable to be with, even in the chaos of an alcoholic household.

And then there is that other child.

The "bad" child.

Who is moody and/or argumentative. Difficult or defiant. Confrontational or withdrawn.

The one who nothing you do ever seems to be enough.

And here's the really hard part:

Your "bad" child will most likely hold you accountable to a standard you could never achieve while giving your alcoholic husband - their alcoholic father - a pass!

The vitriol, the anger, the rage - it's all coming at you.

Not because you deserve it but because you are safe.

They can't scream at their father for being a drunk.

They can't rage at their dad for being unavailable and making them feel unlovable.

They can't tell their father they hate him - because it feels too true.

They can't resent their father for missing ball games or showing up at recitals drunk.

They can't blame their father for making their life scary and unstable.

But they can scream at you

They can rage at you.

They can declare they hate you and resent you and blame you.

For everything.

It's not easy.

It hurts.

A LOT.

And it is not to say any child should get a pass for such behavior.

But think of how hard it is for us, adults, who inadvertently chose an alcoholic for a spouse.

The anger and rage, resentment and hatred we feel, in our grown up bodies.

Think of how hard it is to process and navigate and make sense of this life we never envisioned for ourselves.

Now imagine being born into such a life.

Imagine never knowing anything different - knowing you knew even before you knew you knew.

The unspoken energy of the household settling into your being from the very beginning of life.

I will probably never forgive myself for raising my children in an alcoholic household.

The tangled web of trauma they are taxed with having to untangle and heal from.

Your "bad" child isn't bad.

Of course not.

And all your children need you.

But your "bad" child is going to need a level of patience and understanding you might underestimate.

You might find impossible to deliver.

Until you remember:

You're the good parent.

The parent they can feel safe with.

The parent they can fall apart with.

The parent they know is never abandoning them.