I am going to tell you The most private and personal thing I have EVER shared. It's not easy. It feels embarrassing and raw but I feel it needs to be said. Maybe more for me than you. It may even sound a little contradictory (though it actually is not) to things I've shared before but it's that middle-of-the-night-when-the-world-is-quiet-and-can't-hide-from-yourself truth.
I've never believed in my worthiness of my dreams.
Which is quite different from believing or not believing in your ability to achieve your dreams. That, ironically, I've never struggled with. I've always believed I COULD achieve my dreams. But I've never fully believed I DESERVE to achieve my dreams. I don't mean this in some sad, pathetic, whinny way.
"Oh Me. I don't deserve my dreams."
No, it's far worse and more sinister and subtle than that.
I can talk all day about my dreams and my belief in them and even my belief in my ability to achieve said dreams - and none of that is insincere or disingenuous - but deep inside, where human beings make decisions without acknowledging what is driving those decisions - I don't believe I deserve these dreams.
Why? Why don't I believe such?
That's even more tragic than the belief itself.
I don't know, actually.
"On paper," as they say, there is no reason for me to not believe in my worthiness.
Loving parents. Supportive parents. A childhood of stability and love. What tied that knot in my tail? I don't know. Maybe sometimes it's not one thing but a combination of life and personal DNA and maybe, just maybe, the reason one is here.
I do believe everyone of us comes here with a unique and divine, inspirational and even potentially downright fun purpose. Maybe my purpose is to navigate my own quagmire of personal doubt so that I might offer others the lens to view their limiting beliefs and doubts.
I do know this: there is nothing about being married to an alcoholic that is going to help make the process of self discovery easier. In fact, it's going to do a damn good job of muddying that lens up. I've spent a long time hating being married to an alcoholic (and that is never going to change!) A long time wanting and longing to get away from it.
A long time believing I could.
Yes, I always believed I could.
But when I started looking at myself through that tiny spot of clear glass not muddied by life with an alcoholic husband, I saw the truth.
I don't believe in my "right" to achieve my dreams.
Who am I, the voice demands, to "get to" live as a writer and artist?
Who am I, the voice demands, to have a big, beautiful house?
Who am I, the voice demands, to enjoy a fantastical, beyond my wildest dreams dream life?
Well, I can tell you who I am.
I am the same as you.
Or Kim Kardashian.
Or Lindsey Vonn. (Olympic skier)
Or Meryl Streep.
The list goes on and on and on and on.
Whether it's someone known the world over or "just" your neighbor that is living her most authentic life, you and me are absolutely no different in our worthiness and "right" to the realization of our dreams.
The question is our willingness to allow those dreams.