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My Apologies

  • wrenrwaters
  • Jun 1, 2020
  • 2 min read

I referenced a reader who had contacted me and that message had inspired me to get back to writing. I referred to this reader-friend as a woman. But indeed this "wife" of an alcoholic was actually the husband of an alcoholic.


Sometimes I forget to remain aware of the fact that alcoholism isn't reserved just for men. And the emotional, mental, physical, spiritual and/or financial destruction isn't only shouldered by women. The pain my reader-friend, husband of an alcoholic is enduring is palatable in the words he wrote me. I read and re-read his message and thought, "what can I say? What can I offer? How is there possibly ANYTHING for me to write that could possible comfort this level of despair?"


I remember the first time the beast of my husband's drinking reared its really ugly. He spewed the most hideous, vicious and file of words at me. Never had I dreamed, imagined, even THOUGHT POSSIBLE this sort of behavior from the man I married.


It gutted me.


My husband went to bed, his burden unloaded, the beast satiated for the time being.


I went to the basement where I sat in dark silence. I honestly think I was in a form of shock. If alien time travelers had picked me up and dropped me into another dimension, I could not have been any more dazed and disoriented.


I mean what was I going to do?


WHAT?!


Was I going to do?


What could I do?


My husband had just screamed the most vile of obscenities at me and now it was over. For him. For me, I felt a helplessness I had never known in life. Like I was falling off a cliff and clawing at the thin air. I was all alone and there was not a single person I could turn to.


So I turned where we all turn now though it's odd to think how new the whole Internet thing was just 20 years ago. I googled "alcoholic's wife" and the likes and found very little! Nothing that seemed really applicable, really relevant, really current.


I've grown numb to that original gut-wrenching feeling. I don't know that that is necessarily a good thing. I do remember it though. I remember it feeling like someone had carved the bottom out of my gut. I remember that helplessness. Mostly I remember being so utterly alone.


And so, maybe sometimes there aren't really words that we can offer. Maybe sometimes it's not even words that are needed. And so, maybe what I can be - whether it be the husband or the wife of an alcoholic who is sitting alone in the dark at 2 or 3 or 4 am. (Or 2 or 3 or 4 in the afternoon) - is that presence that allows them to feel not quite so alone.



 
 
 

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5 Comments


bustdollar
Jun 24, 2020

I do think its time to force the issue. Everywhere I turn I read the same despairing troubles from the spouses of other alcoholics. We sit and wait, watch and cry, never seeing any change and hopes are dashed over and over. It is not a healthy way to live! There's so much life left in me, why stay committed to a sinking stone in the middle of the sea? While some may recover and go back to leading happy lives I just don't see it happening here in my situation. I'll give it a try, but my hopes are worn thin and my expectations are not high.

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jd_newnurse
Jun 23, 2020

I never would have thought my husband could be sober...but he has been now since Sept. 2018. Miracles happen if you hit rock bottom...don't wait until your life is a Lifetime movie, help them hit the rock bottom sooner by getting out and setting boundaries...which I never did. (lol, it's a good idea though)

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jd_newnurse
Jun 23, 2020

pack up the kiddos and leave...and put it on his credit card, spend his money...tell him to go to AA and get a therapist and you will talk to him in 6 months...we never let them hit a low, we stay and then they can pretend their lives are "normal" and everything is "fine". It's not. If you don't create his "bottom" he will eventually hit his own, its only a matter of time. Why not now.

From a lived and learned...stupid person that stayed until he hit bottom...more pain, and now he is sober for 1.5 yrs and a better person...a kind person. Miracles happen if you hit rock bottom... perhaps?


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jd_newnurse
Jun 23, 2020

stepchat.com

Alanon Meetings - have been helpful to me lately :)

sending support and peace

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bustdollar
Jun 01, 2020

Thank you, and it truly helps to know we are not alone in our battles for sanity. One of the aspects is the relentless hours of feeling alone, not knowing how to help, to find some hope between the pain of watching a loved one slowly decline.

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