Search
  • wrenrwaters

My Apologies

I referenced a reader who had contacted me and that message had inspired me to get back to writing. I referred to this reader-friend as a woman. But indeed this "wife" of an alcoholic was actually the husband of an alcoholic.


Sometimes I forget to remain aware of the fact that alcoholism isn't reserved just for men. And the emotional, mental, physical, spiritual and/or financial destruction isn't only shouldered by women. The pain my reader-friend, husband of an alcoholic is enduring is palatable in the words he wrote me. I read and re-read his message and thought, "what can I say? What can I offer? How is there possibly ANYTHING for me to write that could possible comfort this level of despair?"


I remember the first time the beast of my husband's drinking reared its really ugly. He spewed the most hideous, vicious and file of words at me. Never had I dreamed, imagined, even THOUGHT POSSIBLE this sort of behavior from the man I married.


It gutted me.


My husband went to bed, his burden unloaded, the beast satiated for the time being.


I went to the basement where I sat in dark silence. I honestly think I was in a form of shock. If alien time travelers had picked me up and dropped me into another dimension, I could not have been any more dazed and disoriented.


I mean what was I going to do?


WHAT?!


Was I going to do?


What could I do?


My husband had just screamed the most vile of obscenities at me and now it was over. For him. For me, I felt a helplessness I had never known in life. Like I was falling off a cliff and clawing at the thin air. I was all alone and there was not a single person I could turn to.


So I turned where we all turn now though it's odd to think how new the whole Internet thing was just 20 years ago. I googled "alcoholic's wife" and the likes and found very little! Nothing that seemed really applicable, really relevant, really current.


I've grown numb to that original gut-wrenching feeling. I don't know that that is necessarily a good thing. I do remember it though. I remember it feeling like someone had carved the bottom out of my gut. I remember that helplessness. Mostly I remember being so utterly alone.


And so, maybe sometimes there aren't really words that we can offer. Maybe sometimes it's not even words that are needed. And so, maybe what I can be - whether it be the husband or the wife of an alcoholic who is sitting alone in the dark at 2 or 3 or 4 am. (Or 2 or 3 or 4 in the afternoon) - is that presence that allows them to feel not quite so alone.



140 views5 comments

Recent Posts

See All

IF MY HOUSE BURNED DOWN

I found out two days ago that my teenage daughter spent the summer DRINKING at a friend's house. There are barely words for my shock and horror. She, of all my children, has been especially vocal an

LOVE YOURSELF MORE

Last year a friend of mine opened an art studio in her house. It had been a dream of hers for many years to have a great space where she could do her art but also hold workshops and classes. Finally

WHAT (JUST!) ONE WEEK OF EATING CLEAN HAS SHOWN ME

It's been just one week since I decided to face my own addiction - compulsive eating - and I am shocked at the insight and realizations already revealed to me. First and foremost - the real source of