Til I make it done.
If ANYONE had EVER told me how hard it would be for me to extract myself from a marriage to a toxic alcoholic, I would have laughed at them. (But then, I would have laughed at anyone telling me the man I was marrying would one day BE a toxic alcoholic.)
I don't want to be married to him anyone.
There is no ambivalence there.
And yet, there is ambivalence when it comes to leaving.
Why? I mean, really, WHY?!
The irony is I have no doubts about my ability to leave and put my life back together.
And I also have no doubts about to where my husband will land in his life once I leave.
Of course, that is not my concern and intellectually I know that.
But there is something about someone who was the "everything" in your life becoming a nothing in you life.
And that's why I need to based my actions and choices on a big, long term picture and not short term, intense emotions.
We all know how that is:
When the alcoholic is "good," we allow ourselves to be lulled into a false sense of normalcy
And then when he is "bad," - drunk, toxic, passed out, hung over, etc., etc. the desperation wells up from within and we just Know we just Have to get out
Until the fire of those emotions dies out and we're back to complacency.
I don't have an "alcoholic husband problem" any longer.
I have a "how to create the life I desire for myself" problem.
But when I frame it that way, doesn't it sound so much more interesting and fun and exciting?
Do you want to change something in about your life or yourself?
Base your daily actions and choices on what you desire - not how you feel.