I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU

Not that I was ever lying or going to lie...to me that's always felt like such an odd way to start a conversation with someone,

"I'm going to be honest with you."

What are you suppose to say in return?

"Oh good. I prefer that to when you lie to me."

I think what people really mean - I know I do in this moment now - is they are going to be open and vulnerable. They are going to speak to you without filters or buffers. And so what I say to you now, honestly, is without filters or buffers is,

I am very disappointed in myself, who I have become, who I have not become and where my life has drifted.

And it has drifted.

I did not get where I am, become who I am (and who I am not) out of any design or plan.

No. The exact opposite.

I became who I am and who I am not and my life got where it is because I had no plan.

20+ years somehow slipped by and I never managed to create the life I always wanted for myself or my family. I'm not the mother I wanted to be (or thought I would be), I'm not the woman I wanted/thought I'd be and yeah, I guess I am not the wife I thought I'd be.

I mean, I am really, really, really disappointed in who I am. How I am living my life. If you think I am being too hard on myself, I understand. I'd say that to me if I were you too.

But I'm not.

Not really.

I mean what have I done with my life?

Really.

I haven't really lived the dreams I wanted to live, pursue the goals I wanted to pursue.

Oh, I've managed to squeak out a few here and there but I haven't stayed consistent.

This blog was going to be my big break away from the alcoholic husband and marriage. It was going to be about so much more than being married to an alcoholic. But every time I tried to write about something outside or beyond my alcoholic husband and marriage, I found I couldn't. It seems not a thought, not a fear, not a doubt, not a hope of mine isn't ultimately tied to being married to an alcoholic.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not soliciting compliments.

I'm failing at my life.

I really am.

Is it because I am married to an alcoholic?

Yes.

God dammit, yes!!

You ever hear about the bad kid that started hanging out with the good kid and became good?

Of course you haven't.

Because it doesn't work that way.

I don't know why.

Human nature?

Law of nature?

I can't tell you which but I do know this: when you're married to an alcoholic, you don't lift them up. They drag you down.

Bit by bit, day after day until 20 years are gone and you feel like you're life is at the bottom of a well.

I can't spend another 20+ years like this.

I can't!

And yet I seem unable to change.

Oh, I get moments of clarity and inspiration.

Days of focus and determination.

Had just such clarity and inspiration, focus and determination when I created this blog.

But it seems to be a vicious cycle.

I'm focused and determined for a few days, maybe a couple weeks.

But then I crash and for a few days, I feel defeated. Hopeless.

But I give myself a good pep talk and my spirit renews itself and I'm ready to try again.

Til the next crash.

I'm going to be honest with you.

I'm afraid I'll keep going like this for the rest of my life.