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  • wrenrwaters

I Hate Who I Have Become

I hate who I have become as a result of my marriage.

I am an angry, volatile, raging person.

But mostly on the inside.

This is a problem.

THE problem.

Because when the inside can no longer contain the rage and the anger, guess where it goes? Guess who it is directed at? Yep.

My children. My pets. My home.

I can go out into the world and be this very present, very pleasant, kind, open, engaging person.

And then I get home....

It's not that the outside-world me is false and the at-home me is genuine.

It's not that the at-home me is false and the outside-world me is genuine.

They are both genuine.

They are both me.

But one doesn't belong.

I am just So. FUCKING! Angry deep down inside.

He's ruined EVERYTHING.

And yet I know.

I know I can no longer blame him or hold him responsible.

He may have been the one to run over me with a steamroller.

But I'm the one who's not getting up.

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I have been married to my alcoholic husband for over 20 years now. (So hard to believe and comprehend where that time went.) I have felt SO MANY things in these years of marriage. Disbelief. Rage.

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