I Can't Sleep

It's 5 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep.

In about 30 minutes my husband will be getting up to go to work.

And when he asks (if he asks. I've been awake as he's left for work before and he doesn't always seem to care enough to inquire),

But if he asks, what am I to say?

"I can't sleep."

And if he continues to inquire,

"Why can't you sleep?"

Then what do I say?

"Not sure but I think it may have to do with being married to a withdrawn, depressed, emotionally unavailable alcoholic. Or maybe it's living in a house that is falling down around us but my husband won't do even the most basic of repairs or necessary maintenance. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just watching my life being washed away, like an aimless piece of driftwood on the river of time, and feeling completely helpless to change its course."

"No, perhaps it's none of that. Perhaps it's just after the first half of my life being healthy and fit and active, I now find myself 50 pounds overweight and not a damn bit of motivation to do anything about it."

Or maybe it's just how dreadfully, desperately, painfully unhappy I am.

Here's the "thing," "problem," "caveat" and/or "paradox" of being married to an alcoholic:

It's all their fault.

Really.

Your lack of motivation, your own self-loathing, you despondency over your life, your wasted days and sleepless nights.

All.

The.

Alcoholic's fault.

Until it isn't.

Until it doesn't matter that it started out his fault.

Until the Why of why you are unhappy and desperate and living in a house that is falling down around you is of no consequence.

Because the Why is not going to fix anything.

The Why is not going to change.

The Why is just going to keep on doing and being the Why that it is.

And all you can do - what you have to do - is let the Why of it all go and get on with the business of fixing your life. Healing yourself.