Do You Define Yourself By What You're NOT?
Have you ever been talking with someone and suddenly, words come out of your mouth that you didn't even know were in you? Revealing a thought or sentiment or belief you didn't know you were carrying around in you?
Well, that is exactly what happened to me last night.
I was talking with a friend, not-coincidentally who is also married to an alcoholic, and we were dreaming our dreams together. The conversation wound around to a point where I decided to send her some pictures of various drawings in one of the many and various artist pad's that I have.
"Why aren't you selling these, Wren?!" She asked, a sweet disbelief that I had apparently been harboring a super power."
And that's when it happened.
I responded before I even knew I was responding.
Words came too fast for me to edit or stop them.
"Because I don't really consider myself an artist."
And there you have it.
Why I have stacks and stacks of half-finished "doodles" and other various works of art.
From there, all the typical, obvious (false?) words came.
"I'm not that good."
"I think my work is missing something."
"It doesn't really pop."
"It's ok until I see what other people do...."
Until two days ago, those! are the words I would have used to tell you why I don't pursue art commercially. I may have even recognized them as excuses and self-imposed obstacles but I would never have guessed how insignificant they really were.
The late Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "You don't attract what you want. You attract who you are."
And who a woman may become when she is married to an alcoholic is dangerous, potentially tragic. Look, life will erode anyone who isn't paying attention. It's not just the wives of alcoholics living with regret and 20/20 hindsight. But I don't know much that creates the erosion faster, and with deeper ruts, than being married to an alcoholic.
Do you spend your days defining yourself by what you are not? Are you not athletic? Not organized? Not smart? Not attractive? Not creative? Not disciplined? Not brave? Not adventurous?
I will tell you, you are wrong. I may not know you but I know this:
You are in the arena of life doing battle with a viscous lion and yet you go to work, raise your kids, take care of your parents but most of all...
You're here. At this blog. Which tells me you refuse to give up or give in. Think about it: it'd be so easy to go to bed. So easy to go get one of his beers or vodka tonics. So easy to say "fuck it." The house, the kids, the job, the dogs, the laundry. All of it just seems like so damn much and then you throw in an alcoholic husband? You wonder how you get through ten minutes some days.
And yet, something in you is still seeking. Still trying. Still keeping her head above water.
Do me a favor.
Tomorrow, even if it's just for one day.
Define yourself by all the glorious things you are and all the potential you have.